All I'm Askin is for a Little Respect

Let me get out in front of this blog entry by identifying myself as a heterosexual woman and feminist.  It influences my experiences, my mindset, and the topics I’m about to discuss, so I’m just putting it out there. 

While meeting with my writing group at church last weekend, we discussed the topic of “what men want” in the context of our recent sermon series entitled “Great Sexpectations.”  Our pastor shared his belief that the two key things men want in marriage are sex and respect. 

I found myself a little surprised that respect was right up there on the list with sex.  I guess I have some predetermined beliefs that include the idea that, generally speaking, most men tend to be quite confident, self-assured, and secure…..more so, I dare say, than most women.  We could get into why that is, but I think my brief synopsis is that women, in Western culture at least, are socialized to think they could always be prettier, thinner, sexier, better moms, and so forth.  Men aren’t exposed to the same amount of pressure.  A quick glance at a sampling of advertisements will illustrate this, in my opinion.  Also, the traits of confidence, self-assurance, and security are tightly aligned with Western ideals of masculinity.  For these reasons, I assumed men would not need respect to such a degree that it might be considered one of the top two things they want in marriage.

Of course it goes without saying that no man (or person) wants to be nagged, condescended to, or belittled.  I get that.  But I don’t often hear men express that they want or need respect, while they are more vocal about wanting/needing sex.  I suspect this is because it feels a bit vulnerable to admit that respect is important.  No man wants to be accused of being needy.  Being needy is more expected of women somehow.  In fact, while stereotypically feminine traits are valued in men, they are also the go-to traits people use if they really want to insult a man (“He was crying like a little bitch,” “You’re such a fag,” etc.).   

One man in the group went on to say that he feels men, as a group, are weaker than they’ve ever been.  We discussed why this may or may not be true.  We also discussed the fact that women, as a group are stronger and more independent than they’ve ever been before, and that, perhaps some men are either voluntarily or involuntarily taking a proverbial back seat to such women nowadays. 

I’ve come to believe that two key things are required in a relationship.  Everything else is pre-empted by the existence of these two things.  And for me, those two things are love and respect.  Deal-breakers like infidelity, lying, and abuse (physical or emotional) really cannot occur in the presence of love and respect.  Of course, love and respect may ebb and flow at times, and we do not always show them in proportion to how we feel them.  When we are low on giving love or respect, we are more inclined to tend toward undesirable behaviors.   And while I feel that I am good at loving, I have to ask myself if I am as good at showing respect as I’d like to think I am…especially toward men.  Because of some of my assumptions about men’s reservoirs of self-confidence, security, and self-assuredness, I wonder if I haven’t always communicated my respect adequately.   Not that I'm trying to pull a Tammy Wynette up in here, I'm just being honest as I continue to make my way through this life.

There is no respect for others without humility in one's self.

Henri Frederic Amiel

How Can I Help You?

A pet peeve of mine is the lack of customer service in many businesses these days.  Sometimes I will complete a transaction without the cashier uttering a word to me.  They rely on the cash register’s display to communicate the price to me, they don’t count back my change, and they certainly don’t greet me in a warm way or thank me for my business.  What happened to the “How Can I Help You?” approach?

I think about this service-oriented approach with regard to interpersonal relationships as well.  So often, when people get on our nerves or disappoint us, we just judge them.  We draw our conclusions and condemn people for their choices, often without bothering to ask ourselves – or them – why they are doing things as they are.  Maybe we presume to know the cause of their behavior.  It’s much easier to assume someone is flawed in some way than to imagine there is a method to their madness.

Judgment without compassion suggests ignorance and self-righteousness, in my opinion.  Ironically, our detached, superior judgment of others can equate us with those we are judging.  When we judge someone or label them as lesser than us without attempting to understand them, what are we accomplishing and what purpose does it serve?  Putting them in their place?  Isolating them?  Securing our position as a superior being?   What would a measure of encouragement or support do instead?  How different would our world be if we approached others with a “How Can I Help You?” attitude?

Give, and it will be given to you.

Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”  Luke 6:38

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need,

yet closes his heart against him,

how does God's love abide in him? 1 John 3:17

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Phillipians 2:4

Questions of Forgiveness

It's fascinating to me how we view celebrities' lives under the microscope and judge them so easily, without knowing them or being directly impacted by them.  Oddly enough though, once the initial public reaction of disgust has passed, sins are quickly forgiven and forgotten as we get back to focusing on whatever it is that we love and admire about that particular celebrity.  

 

In our personal lives, it is usually far more difficult to separate the sin from the sinner, especially when it is personal and has impacted our lives directly in a negative way.  Not too often do you hear someone say, "Sure, Johnny beat up his wife, but man - is he a great accountant!" 

 

What is it that prevents us from forgiving others?  Fear?  Pride?  Enjoyment of the power differential?  Because we are humans, we all sin. This means that we will repeatedly find ourselves being asked to forgive others,  as well as seeking forgiveness for our own actions.

If your life was front page news, what story might threaten to ruin the public’s perception of you? How would you make a case for your own forgiveness?  Has someone ever refused to forgive you after you genuinely apologized and asked forgiveness?  How did that make you feel?  Have you refused to forgive someone?  What purpose did that serve you?

 

Do you believe someone must ask your forgiveness in order to be forgiven by you?  Why or why not?

We typically think of forgiveness in terms of forgiving others and of God forgiving us.  What about forgiving ourselves?  Hebrews 9:14 tells us, “How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God,  purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?”

 

If you’ve ever paid off a loan, you’ve probably experienced that feeling of sweet release and joy.  You are no longer in debt, and you wouldn’t continue to send payments once the loan is paid in full.  So why do we continue to beat ourselves up long after forgiveness has occurred?

Do you need to forgive yourself for something?  If so, what’s stopping you?

 

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

(Matthew 6:14-15)

 

“And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25)

Learning to Dance Again

A relationship is like an intricately choreographed dance.  Not only do you need to move to the same rhythm, but you need to be very aware of your partner’s movements and how your corresponding movements might enhance or detract from the dance.  Balance is key, and while you may sometimes rely on one another for support or even lift one another, you must retain your own strength and posture, or you may both topple to the floor.

When you are “in between dances”, you become out of practice.  Ideally, you will still dance alone, but this is an entirely different experience.  Still beautiful and expressive, but now relying only on your own internal rhythm and choice of movements.  You know it’s only you out there, and that you will never be lifted high above the dance floor, nor will you feel a hand at the small of your back as you bend backward.  But there is also no one to drop you during a lift.  There is no one to step on your toes or trip you up. 

Still, the music is so inviting, as you realize you are involuntarily tapping your toe to the beat and swaying to the rhythm.  There really is no choice in the matter, the desire to join in is overwhelming.  It feels familiar.  The rhythm comes quite naturally.  Take my hand.  Lead the way. 

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go...
Our lives are better left to chance...I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance.
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all.
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go...
Our lives are better left to chance...I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance.
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

"The Dance" by Garth Brooks

You Don't Need to Understand

My actions, beliefs, and choices may not make sense to you.  We are human, predispositioned to judge one another.  I'm the only one who has to walk in my shoes and silence my heart and head each night to find peaceful rest.  What rattles and enrages you might roll off of my back, and vice versa.  Thank God for that.  I know that, from time to time, I need the insight of someone who feels differently: to talk me off the ledge, to calm me, or even to prompt me to stand up for something important.

When disease strikes, when children are gunned down in a school, when a couple divorces, when unpopular business decisions are made...we ask "why?"  Maybe it's our need for control.  We can better deal with unexpected information if we know what caused it?  What creates the need to understand one another?  We speak of closure when a relationship ends, and what we really mean is that we need to understand why.  It helps us to heal, to process, to synthesize all the data in our minds. 

I wonder why we spend so much time analyzing others' choices, trying to make sense of what they are doing?  We get so riled up about others' life choices, when often it's not our business and may not even impact us in the slightest way.  A lawmaker wants to legislate what two lovers do in their bedroom.  A mother wants input in her son and daughter-in-law's family planning.  A father wants to influence his son's athletic choices.  A manager wants an employee to do things their way, even if another way is efficient and successful.

Some of my deepest and most challenging human encounters have bloomed by learning to accept the fact that I can never fully understand you and you can never fully understand me.  And while I might not make the same choices for myself as you do, the good news is that I don't have to understand or even agree with you.  I'm probably still going to try...probably going to ask questions to help me understand.  But I can choose to love or at least accept you anyway, because I'm not perfect either.  Sometimes I don't even understand myself, so I certainly don't expect you to understand me.

What is love? 

Love is when one person knows all of your secrets...

your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets

of which no one else in the world knows...

and yet in the end,

that one person does not think any less of you;

even if the rest of the world does."

~Unknown

Lost & Found

Some things can be lost and then found.  Once they’ve been reclaimed, all you’ve essentially lost is that time of separation.  A favorite piece of jewelry, a ten dollar bill in last year’s coat pocket… 

Other things are lost and replaced by something else…some surrogate that fills the void, elicits the same feelings, or distracts you from what you’ve lost - like filling the void of a broken heart with a rebound relationship, an addiction, or a jam-packed social calendar.  Bandages can stop the bleeding and cover up the wound, but with enough activity or wear and tear, they will eventually peel off and reveal the wound again.  Surrogates can be exciting and satisfying until that moment comes when you look squarely at that replacement and realize it’s not the same as what you lost.  Not even close.

Some things can be found or rediscovered.  But the value of that thing might have changed.  The lost dog returns home, but it is now skittish.  The couple reunites, but their love will never be what it once was.  Time has passed.  Circumstances have changed.  Life has happened.  Damage cannot be undone, only forgiven and reconciled. 

Other things are lost forever - innocence, for instance.  Trust. 

Some make choices that they know will surely lead to the loss of something valuable.  Then once they’ve lost it, they recognize its worth and vow to do whatever it takes to get it back.  This is a phenomenon I will never understand.  I find it insulting and infuriating.  If you would hate to lose a possession in your car, don’t carelessly leave it unlocked and then complain when someone opens it and steals your belongings.  If you would hate to lose your husband, don’t cheat on him and then mourn his absence once he leaves you. 

I'm starting to believe I cannot ever reclaim what you took from me.  I can only heal and learn from it, and inform my future with the knowledge and experience of my past.  You will always be the reason I have changed.  How I hate giving you that power, but I know by now it is true.  That's okay.  I’m stronger.  I’m wiser.  I’ll never be the “me” that I was then.  You took things that can never be returned nor replaced, only rebuilt with a new look and a new feel...  I'd like to believe that the strength and wisdom I gained from your intersection in my life will make it impossible for me to ever give myself completely....to the wrong man. 

"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost."

~Gilbert K. Charleston

So Small

“And when you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small.”

~Carrie Underwood

Sometimes I feel so alone.  My life is full of a lot of things – lots of friends, family, my children, my work, my faith, my hobbies and interests…..but I feel alone sometimes because I don’t have a partner, a significant other.  No matter how much is in your life – even a strong relationship with God – nothing can quite fill that particular hole.

More than one person has suggested, implied, or outright commanded me that I should “just be happy to be a mother” when discussing the lack of a romantic companion in my life.  My response to that would entail another blog entry, so let’s just say that I disagree and that no one in my shoes would be foolish enough to say something like that.  It’s as foolish as telling the infertile couple who wants a child that they should just be happy to have each other.  The parent/child relationship is more like a manager/employee relationship.  My job is to raise them to be successful human beings – financially, socially, academically, occupationally, spiritually, etc.  It is not to be confused with a relationship between two consenting parties where each is concerned with the welfare of the other.

I’ve made peace with the fact that I am alone in this sense, and I am exceedingly grateful I did not make a commitment to the wrong person.  God allowed me to experience a tremendous amount of hurt so that I would not experience even greater hurt further down the line.  It’s crystal clear to me that he intervened in a way I could not ignore, and it’s an amazing, humbling thing.  I also realize I may or may not ever find someone to share my life with in only the way you can with a life partner.

So then I move to problem solving mode.  What can I do to fill the void?  I can seek out and find love.  Nothing that would feel like that “partner love” of which I speak, but the next best thing.  I find love in genuine friends of mine whom I can share soul-searching conversations with.  I find love in animals.  I find love in my children, yes.  I find love at church.  I find love when I talk to God.  I find love when I see people perform acts of kindness for one another.  I find love in the fall leaves, the winter snow, a sunny day at the lake…basking in the glory of God’s creation.  In music, in movies, in literature…even if it’s a fantasy, I find love.

The challenge is to train oneself to look for love.  Consistently negative people don’t see it, because they choose not to.  When we become bitter and jaded, or when we throw pity parties for ourselves, we miss out on all the love around us.  And believe it or not, there’s a lot of it out there.  You do have to look for it though – first by deciding you want to see it. 

What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
while you're sitting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small