Something Better in Store

We all thought he was a great guy and that she had finally found "the one" who deserved her.  They were engaged, and we couldn't have been happier about it.  I saw the way he was with my kids and thought to myself how lucky she was to have found a good man like that.

They were enjoying a weekend away from the hustle and bustle of life when he became careless with more than his indiscretions.  She found herself in the ER waiting room, holding his wallet and phone.  Phones have a way of sharing secrets that people won't.  To be sure, she dialed the number of the name that was disguised as a fake man's name.  She heard the ringback tone - a song about infidelity, from the perspective of "the other woman" - and her fears began to materialize into the horrible truth that was eventually confirmed.

Another woman found out her husband had fabricated lies to create a non-existent tragedy that would allow him to make decisions with which she would never agree.  He allowed her to grieve, "consoled" her, all while perpetuating a cowardly lie.  She also learned that he was professing his so-called love to, not one, but two other women all while attempting to portray himself as a loving, devoted husband. 

Learning of these situations chilled me to the core.  I mean they really rattled me.  They made me afraid to trust and love.  If you knew those involved, your jaw would have dropped as well.  You couldn't fathom this sort of behavior from these doting men that everyone applauded and admired. 

In both cases, after going through a time of bone-chilling shock and grief, these women found men (in some odd ways, let me tell you!) who were infinitely better suited to love them than the ones they had promised themselves to.  While their "crashes" were disarming to witness and digest, their ultimate path in life was really something to behold. 

People wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people.  I don't like to think He lets it happen, as in being "on board" with it, but that He gives us freewill on how we will behave and how we will treat one another.  The men described above bought themselves a one-way ticket to their current realities, which are a bit underwhelming, as I understand.  I also like to think that these experiences are good reminders to “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).  We don't always understand why bad things happen to us, why people deceive us and cause us pain when we believe we know them so well.  These stories are reminders that sometimes God has something better in store for us down the road.

The One That Got Away

Some girlfriends of mine were talking recently about the “what if” guy (aka “the one that got away”).  I had one of those once.  I’m not sure I can convey just how much I thought about what it might have been like if we had ever “had our chance.”  Mentally, it was my go-to place when I was in a struggling relationship as I imagined what it was I really wanted for myself deep down.  The time was never right for one or the other of us.  I was interested and he wasn’t, or he was available and I wasn’t. 

Well there came a certain moment in time where the window was open.  No obstacles, no excuses.  And do you know what happened?  Nothing.  It went nowhere.  If I were to list the great romances of my life, he wouldn’t be mentioned.  The amazing thing was my level of shock at the absence of substance that was there.  I had dreamt about this guy for quite some time, had pictured us together, and had even measured other men against my image of him and what kind of partner he would be.  Yet it turned out he was the farthest thing from north on my compass.

I wonder how many of our unfulfilled dreams are like that?  Do we just romanticize and idealize to the point of being irrational?  Do we need a target around which to organize and anchor our fantasies, even if it is completely irrational and unsubstantiated?

There is no re-do button.  There is no possible way to return to a previous time.  The moment is gone.  We are who we are now, which is not the same as we were then.  Our reality has shifted.  Whatever choice you make at each juncture determines your path and the next intersection you’ll reach.   In my case, the one that got away was nothing to pine after, regret, or second guess.  Once I had my chance, I could see that he got away for a reason, and that he never belonged in my future.

Iron Sharpens Iron/Faithful Are the Wounds

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

~Proverbs 27:17

Who do you surround yourself with?  Are they people you respect?  People you admire?  Do they have qualities you wish to cultivate and improve within yourself?  Are they comfortable to be with because they rarely push you, challenge you, or call you out when you are making questionable decisions?  When friends do point out your shortcomings, are you mostly annoyed or are you genuinely interested in taking their opinion into consideration?

It's been my experience that the most amazing people I meet are always affiliated with other amazing people.  And the most lackluster, lost individuals I've met - while they may have a couple of admirable folks in their life - are by and large hanging with a crowd that is less than amazing and awe-inspiring.  Or they are hanging alone...

A friend recently thanked me for being honest and candid with him as we discussed a personal dilemma he was facing.  He wrote in an e-mail "faithful are the wounds."  I looked this up, knowing I'd heard the phrase before and found:

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.”

~Proverbs 27:6

It's so true.  When quality people who truly care for us step in and speak up about our behavior, they know darn well it is going to hurt for us to hear it.  They do it anyway.  Why?  Because they want to see us grow.  They want to see us succeed in life. They don't want to enable us or placate us.  "The kisses of an enemy" are plentiful.  It's easy to listen to someone blame everyone but themselves for all that's wrong in their life, occasionally muttering "yeah man, that sucks!  You got screwed!"  The hard thing is to muster up some courage and challenge someone to reflect on the ways they might have contributed to their own condition.  The hard choice is moving from pity to action while brainstorming the next steps needed to make progress in life.  Which type of person is a good boss?  a good parent?  a respected leader?  Which one is a fantastic spouse?

In my experience, when someone provides constructive criticism about my behavioral choices, it is not usually without some grain of truth.  Once I get past my ego and pride and even my hurt feelings, I generally come to see that their words were well-intended and their advice is worth considering.  And I become a better person for it.

Let me take a minute to dismiss the case of the emotional abuser who attacks your character and your actions for selfish or cruel reasons, or out of jealousy.  Spend no time reflecting on those.  :)  That person is not the "iron" spoken of in Proverbs and their intent is not to help you grow, nor is love their motivation.

I can't think of a single person I've encountered in this life who had no potential.  In my eyes, everyone has redeeming qualities.  Everyone has strengths.  Everyone has potential.  The challenge I'm posing is to ask yourself if you're living up to your potential or if you are staying comfy.

"Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you;

be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them."

~W. Clement Stone

“We begin to see, therefore,

the importance of selecting our environment with the greatest of care,

because environment is the mental feeding ground

out of which the food that goes into our minds is extracted.”

~Napoleon Hill

“Be a yardstick of quality.

Some people aren’t used to an environment where excellence is expected.”

~Steve Jobs

flattery

Flattery in courtship is the highest insolence, for whilst it pretends to bestow on you more than you deserve, it is watching an opportunity to take from you what you really have.

~Sarah Fielding

Every good thing said about me was true.  Looking back, I see how perfectly played it all was.  Paying lip service to my best personality traits and characteristics made me feel good about myself.  It made me feel appreciated, admired, and genuinely loved, all while I was told that no one before had ever truly loved me.  Convenient.  Familiar sounding...  Even the predictable claims of not deserving me, which I appropriately denied and discounted, hence negating my self worth.....man it was all so brilliant.  And so superficial.

The irony of the sort of flattery in Fielding's quote above is that it is strategically designed to be self-serving.  By heaping flattery onto a person - especially one whose self esteem is lacking - the recipient of flattery softens, melts, and seeks to prove that the words of the flatterer are true, if only because they want to truly believe the validity of the flattery.  And yet, it already is true!  But the recipient regards the flattery as a gift that may be fleeting, or a "high" that might dissipate, so they reinforce and amplify the qualities that have been flattered in the hopes that the flatterer will continue to value and desire them.  The flatterer reaps a harvest, easily supplied and easily taken. 

I'm making a distinction between flattery and genuine compliments or affirmation.  Also, the quote above is about flattery in courtship.  When my Mom tells me I am a giving person, it's just that simple and straightforward.  She perceives me as a giving person and wants me to know that she recognizes and celebrates that trait in me.

Maybe I'm being pessimistic or oversimplifying things, but it seems to me that, quite often, in the context of courtship, the suitor who flatters your body ultimately wants to partake of it.  The courter who flatters your generosity wants to take from you.  The wooer who flatters your strength wants to be the weak one while you run around applying band aids to all their frailties.  Perhaps the key variable is whether the flattery is merely words, or if it is reflected in actions.  Does he say you're amazing?  Or does he treat you like you're amazing?  Does she say you're attractive?  Or does she treat you like you're attractive and respect your body?

The flatterers who took more from me than they gave...they stumbled upon me at times when I was ripe for their picking.  I was hurting for one reason or another, and had also allowed too much space between myself and God.  The things I knew deep down to be true of myself were buried under other garbage and baggage.  I wasn't turning to God for my own affirmation and my self worth was compromised.  So when I heard those strategic, self-serving words of flattery, I ate it up and I opened the gates to give the things they realized I had to offer.  And boy did they take and take.  But at some point they took too much and I came to my senses.  I realized I didn't need to hear them say I was x, y, or z in order to believe it.  Furthermore, I realized that the hateful things they said about me were mostly motivated from their fear of being viewed as the frauds that they were. 

So when they say "flattery gets you everywhere," in a sense, that's true.  Or at least it can be.  But the cycle stops when the recipient of flattery observes whether the behavior of the flatterer is reflecting their words.  Anyone can call every girl they meet "beautiful", but are they treating them beautifully?  Anyone can tell you you're a great catch, but are they treating you like a great catch?  Chances are, if you're a great catch, and someone believes you're a great catch, they're not going to do anything that would make you swim away.

A New Crop

The truth is, this has been one of the most difficult weeks I've had in quite some time, and as I've wrestled with the issues, feelings, and dilemmas I'm facing, I've largely kept to myself, which is not my style.  As I've reflected on those whom I've chosen to reach out to, and those who have reached out to me, I've realized that I have a new crop of friends.  There are so many people in my life today who weren't there, say, a year ago.  There are some specific things I've become involved with in the past year that have given me many new and quality connections, and I'm just so grateful for that.  There are people I vaguely knew 20 years ago who have now become confidantes.  There are people I met in the most odd ways who have come to be friends of mine (e.g., an ex-boyfriend's brother and his neighbor; a mom standing beside me on the first day of school as we waited to capture pictures of our sons getting off a bus). 

One friend texted me at bedtime last night, just to let me know I was being prayed for.  How amazing is that?  I can't tell you how much that meant to me.  A couple of other friends e-mailed back and forth with me, offering to let me vent, offering to pray for me, and then checking on me again to see how I was doing.

I just think it's amazing that God has brought these folks into my life at this time.  But then again, I don't think it's random chance.  I have been making a concerted effort to associate with quality people: good people with good morals, Christian people, good parents, good spouses, good employees, etc.  Of course I still have steadfast long-time friends who are there for me and I continue to be grateful for them as they have faithfully been at my side for many years.  It's just really rewarding to continue to expand the boundaries of my little world and to reap the harvest of so many wonderful people I encounter along the way.

Proverbs 27:17 states, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."  I love the truth in this verse, but I would venture to add that people soften one another too, in a good way.  Someone told me that maybe I need to see that I'm surrounded by people that love me and that I need to let them love on me.  Being self-sufficient is a good thing, but I've been told more than once by people (even just today) that they enjoyed having the chance to take care of me or even to let me cry on their shoulder.  There have been a lot of people along my path who have needed or demanded more and more from me, taking all they could.  Now I'm allowing myself to receive too.  I suspect it's part of learning to trust again, in safe ways and with safe people.  And it's nice. :)

thank you notes on the piano

Somewhere this week I read something about how we are all teachers and students.  We all have something to learn, and we all have something to teach.  This reminded me of something my pastor said that I’ve considered many times before – that so many of us come to church and consider it a good experience based on what we “got” out of it – how it made us feel, whether it moved us,  whether the music was good, etc. 

The new year seems as good a time as any to look in the mirror and ask myself what I am bringing to the table.  At work, am I tallying the benefits my employer provides, or am I also making sure I’m giving all that I can?  At home, am I bemoaning the time, money, and energy my children require?  Or am I grateful for the opportunity I prayed for – to be a parent and to shape another person’s life – which is all about giving.  At church, am I showing up in order to receive something?  Or am I worshipping?  Am I also sharing my God-given talents to uplift or lead or nurture others in some direct or indirect way?

It’s hard.  In a culture that’s become so individualistic, we have learned how to look out for “number one” and to measure and evaluate so many things based on “what’s in it for me.”  We certainly don’t want to be taken advantage of, and we want to only lend our precious time and energy to things and people that offer a good return on our proverbial investments.  Nothing inherently wrong with that – but how closely are we tracking our own contributions?  How much giving are we doing and how much taking?

Whenever I receive a thank you note or special card, I tend to display it on my piano for awhile.  It’s not so much about the recognition, but the point is that I want to be sure that I’m consistently and repeatedly doing good to/for others.  Going out of my way to be thoughtful, kind, and generous feels good.  It’s doing unto others as I’d have them do unto me.  I’ve made it a personal goal of mine this year to keep a steady supply of thank you notes on my piano.  It means I’m not just showing up to be a student, but that I’m taking turns being the teacher too.  And even when I think I’m teaching, quite often I’m learning at the same time.

Chest Pain

I have an appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow.  Been having quite a bit of trouble lately with chest pain and mitral valve prolapse.  I was looking online today at possible outcomes of mitral valve prolapse, such as valve repair surgery and valve replacement surgery.  I laughed to myself and thought maybe I’ll just ask if he can take the whole damn thing out.  We’ve joked about my heart like this before.  I remember walking in his office once and him asking how my heart had been, and I burst into tears, saying I wasn’t sure there was much of it left. 

I am a true Pisces in that I don’t know how to love or feel things halfway.  When I love someone, I love them with all of my heart.  I give them everything I possibly can.  I try, with every fiber of my being, to make them feel loved.  Perhaps the most painful thing for me, about being alone, is having nowhere for my love to go.  Sometimes it literally feels like a kinked hose inside of me….the force of the water being held back but pulsating persistently, demanding to be freed, to spring forth.  Sure, there are plenty of other places for my love to go when there isn’t one special person in my life to love romantically.  But we all know it’s not the same…

Sometimes my honest thought is that I wish I didn’t have a heart – figuratively speaking of course – for obvious reasons.  I’m tired of having it broken, and of feeling it hurt, just as I get tired of chest pain interrupting my life, my job, my time with my children, etc.  At the same time, I recognize that my heart would be so much emptier if it had never been filled with love.  I consider myself lucky to have been in love (and to have been loved) several times in my life.  I know what it feels like to soar with giddiness, bursting at the seams, all because you have found a person whom you love and who loves you back.  If I didn’t have a heart, I wouldn’t be able to recall a time when I’d felt love, and therefore I wouldn’t be able to hope to feel it again. 

My chest pains never began, and my heart condition was not diagnosed, until after the birth of one of my children.  Did this health condition develop as an effect of pregnancy or childbirth?  I have no idea, and I don’t care to know, because I wouldn’t trade that child to rid myself of the pain and discomfort I so often feel in my chest.  Likewise, I wouldn’t trade the feeling of a broken heart to erase the love whose disappearance caused this pain.   

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance

"The Dance", performed by Garth Brooks